grace.

His grace is enough.  It's all I need.

I'm sitting here typing with my 4 month old son sitting in his bouncy seat next to me - he's giggling and looking straight at me, sweet and pure as can be.  My heart is so full.  I never knew a love like this until I held my son.

What's amazing is that God loves all of us 1,000 times more than I could ever love my son.  He loves us as we are; sins are forgiven, and we are given the gift of grace.  There is nothing we could ever to do deserve it - it is His gift to us because Jesus LOVES us.  Amazed.

It's been one year since I saw that positive pregnancy test.  We had a precious, perfect baby boy back in the fall and he's now 4 months old.  He laughs, blows bubbles, rolls from tummy to back, and can hold his head pretty good.  He is my angel.

Looking back over this blog reminds me of all the heartache, the pain, the suffering.  But you know what?  Every single tear was worth it.  I don't regret anything.  There was a purpose in my pain.  I needed to wait, and completely give myself over to God and trust his timing.  It was hard.  It was unbearable at times.  But I'd do again in a heartbeat for my precious baby boy.

My heart is so full sometimes it hurts.  I have new worries and anxieties now - will my son live a long, happy life?  Are we raising him right?  But I am giving all that to God.  I trust Him.

For those of you who are still waiting for your baby - please don't give up.  God hears our cries.  You will seek Him and find Him when you seek Him with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:13).

praise!

I haven't updated since my first HCG draw...so here goes!  I went back two days later and my HCG had more than doubled - it was 1,348!  PRAISE HIM!  I felt so relieved.  It just affirmed again that this really is our baby to take home.  God's perfect plan for us.  The waiting, the pain, the heartache....now I see what He had in store all along.  How could I ever doubt? His love is BIGGER than anything I can imagine.  His love for us - His amazing, perfect love.

I went for my first ultrasound with DH when I was 6 weeks.  It was a transvaginal ultrasound and we were able to hear the heartbeat! 115 beats per minute.  Pure joy.  What a miracle this sweet baby is!  The appointment lasted 2 hours as I had to do all the bloodwork, etc.  My ob said we are treating this as a "normal" pregnancy from this point forward and my next ultrasound will be at 10 weeks!  I'm still on prometrium twice daily, and she said I could just do both at the same time before I go to bed, which is much better.

I'm currently 7 weeks 5 days, and I'll be 8 weeks on Sunday.  My boobs have almost doubled in size and I'm still having sporadic cramping, slight nausea and constant peeing.  And I love every second of it all.  I'm so thankful.  I didn't realize the first trimester would be so full of nerves and anxiety, but I'm just praying everyday for God to take control of my emotions and let me enjoy this pregnancy :)

Thanks for following me on this journey.  I'm praying for each of you that are still waiting on your sweet baby....I know how much it stings to find out others are expecting, and my heart aches for you because I know the pain.  Trust in Jesus, and know that He has a perfect plan for you.  The waiting is so hard, but it will all be worth it.

update!

The nurse called me and my HCG is 530 (!!!) and progesterone is 18.25.  She turned me over to my obgyn, and I called their office and they want me to do another HCG in 48 hours to make sure it is doubling. She also said to start progesterone supplements and continue until 10 weeks of pregnancy. I am on cloud nine. My God is SO GOOD!!!!!!! All praise to HIM!

a miracle

I wrote in a post a few months back that I could feel God was planning something big in my life.  I knew He was making moves and I just clung to my faith and prayed for patience.  Throughout this whole infertility journey I’ve really tried to put everything in perspective and keep focusing on Jesus.  What else did I have if not Him?  My faith was everything – the only thing that kept me going.

And on Friday, I witnessed a real-life miracle.  I felt Jesus right next to me.  A true miracle – just like it says in the Bible.

I was supposed to start bcp on Sunday to get this whole IVF process started.  I was to call the nurse as soon as I started my period so we could schedule all the testing, etc.  Thursday morning I spotted a little, so I immediately called the nurse and told her it was cd1.  I was having cramps, my boobs were killing me, and I just knew full AF would arrive later that day.  I even told my acupuncturist on Wednesday that I was about to start my period any day, so she focused on my uterus and my flow.  I even put a tampon in prematurely on Thursday, because I didn’t want to start bleeding all over my pants.  By Thursday night, I still had not started.  No biggie, I just thought AF was late.  I was a little concerned because I could not start bcp until I got my period.  So I really wanted AF to hurry up.  Friday morning and still nothing – no sign of AF.  I called the nurse around noon and she said if I started over the weekend, I could still start bcp on Sunday. She said otherwise call her on Monday (today) and we would regroup.

I got home from work on Friday and was cleaning the house before we went to dinner with friends.  DH was running a race the next morning, so he was downtown at the expo getting all his information for the next day.  For some reason, I decided to take an opk, just to see what happened.  I had a pregnancy test but did not want to waste it.  The digital opk came back with a smiley face – positive.  I started talking with the girls in our private facebook group, and they told me to take the pregnancy test.  I was planning on waiting until Saturday morning, because I thought I had to use first morning urine, but they convinced me to take the test immediately.

And it was positive.  I started bawling crying.  I was shaking, almost hyperventilating.  The line kept getting darker and darker.  And I fell on my knees and thanked God for what truly was a MIRACLE.  I prayed and prayed and told Jesus that I would raise this baby for Him – to always know Him and love Him.  And I meant it!!!

I am still in shock and we are so happy!!!!  I called DH and he started screaming.  I could not stop crying!  I took 5 more tests over the weekend, and all came back with strong positives.  This was DAYS before I was supposed to start IVF.  After battling infertility for 3 years, 4 IUIs, femara, clomid, surgery….I got a miracle bfp on a natural cycle, the month before I was to start in-vitro.

If that’s not God, then I don’t know what is.  He fulfills His promises, yall.  HE IS SO FAITHFUL!!!! I am in love with a Savior that performs miracles.  He walks on water, heals the sick, and He ROSE FROM THE DEAD!  What a mighty God!!!

I went for bloodwork this morning to check my HCG numbers and my progesterone.  I just know this is our baby to keep.  I have faith that this pregnancy will last.  And I am in awe of how awesome our God is.  PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

“For I know the plans I have for you,”  declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  -Jeremiah 29:11-13

prayer

I wrote this prayer in my journal yesterday, and when reading it over again today it came over me to share it here. I hope it might speak to someone else going through a similar situation (emotionally, physically or spiritually).

Hi Lord. My Glorious King, my Annointer. Thank you. My words of thanks will never be enough, my actions will never be enough.  But I know Lord that you don’t need these things from me because they will never be enough.  All you want from me is my heart.  And you have it, Jesus!  I love YOU with all my heart and all my soul.

Thank you for bringing me close to you when I start to float away.  Your grace is so overwhelming.  What a Mighty God!  Please always draw me near to You.  Help me lead the life You wrote for me.  I want to live this life for YOU!  I’ve finally truly accepted that my plans might not be Your plans, Father.  I still have unwavering faith that You will make me a mother one day.  I will love You and worship You no matter what!  What I view as Your good works in me might be skewed, so please help me see the beauty in everything Jesus.  Above all, keep filling me with Your sweet love.  I could drink from Your cup forever.  Thirst no more!  Fill me every single day, Father. 

I love You.  Thank you. 

carry me

"You are on the cusp of some major life changes...." quoth my acupuncturist today.  And she's right.

Have I mentioned that we decided to move forward with IVF in February?  I start bcp in mid-January, and most likely start stims around February 7th, with retrieval/transfer toward the end of the month.

We did not get the grant.  I was devastated. So DH and I sat down and discussed it at length (I cried through most of the conversation...it's just so overwhelming), and we figured out the financials as best we can and picked a firm date. We are going to have to get a loan, which DH is totally not okay with, but it's the only way.  No other option.  DH also graduates from his Master's program in February, and I'm switching jobs in February.  I guess you could say it's a big month for us.  And I'm overwhelmed. I'm excited, scared to death, anxious and just plain overwhelmed.

How do you cope with something like this?  How did it come to this?  I'm still struggling with the acceptance part.  I can't believe we're going through this at such a young age (27).

Can I ask for your prayers?  Pray that I find peace in the next few weeks. Pray that this works.  Pray that I cling to God more than I ever have.

So we're taking the leap. A big, huge leap of FAITH.  Carry us, Lord.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." -Philippians 1:6

faith

So here I am. 

It’s almost Thanksgiving. 

1 year since my surgery that was supposed to fix everything.  8 months since my first IUI.  16 months since my first visit to the RE. 

I just feel like this road, this path that I’m on, is never-ending sometimes.  When will it end?

I applied for a grant through a non-profit organization that helps fund IVF for those that can’t afford it.  We find out next week, right before Thanksgiving, who the grant recipients are.  It’s like my hail mary – our last resort until we have no other options except to wait.  Wait until we have the money saved – which I really don’t know when that will ever be.

It’s exhausting trying to stay optimistic.  It’s exhausting trying to not talk about it to my husband.  He thinks I “obsess over it”.  I really don’t feel like I talk about it that much anymore.  Of course I think about it every single day, multiple times per day.  I dream about what it would be like to get pregnant on our own.

I’m just clinging to God’s promises as best I can.  I am not perfect.  I have days when I really doubt His plan for us.  I have moments when I cry and wonder why me.  I often feel depressed and anxious.  But deep down, I know His promise is far greater than any pain I’m going through right now.  I know that there is PURPOSE in my pain.  And I have to keep reminding myself that every day.  He is near when I am at my lowest.  Jesus is here when I’m at my best.  He is always HERE, in this place.  So I’m just holding tight to that Hope that one day I will be a mother.  God is preparing my heart for something huge.

The thing I struggle with most is not knowing what the outcome will be.   And I know that’s what FAITH is – that’s the whole idea. 

To believe in something that you can’t see or touch or feel. 

He replied, “Because you have so little faith.  Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.” –Matthew 17:20