grace

God really amazes me every. single. day.

I had a striking moment of clarity on Friday afternoon.  Everything I've been through the last two years with my infertility - the pain, the heartache, the disappointment - it all became so clear.

One of my deepest, darkest sins is this:  I've allowed myself to become scared and fearful of having a child with disabilities.  I've never spoken to God about it.  I've just let it sit in the back of mind and try not to think about it - what on earth would I do if my unborn child has autism, down syndrome, or some other disease?  How could I possibly live with that?  My husband would resent me for it. Maybe even leave.  I would be depressed and feel broken.  I know these thoughts are terrible, and they've been with me for a long time.  I've been too ashamed to ever admit it (even to God).

I was at a golf tournament on Friday afternoon with my husband.  I walked over to hole #1, and we were waiting for the hour to hit so the players could start.  No one was really talking and we were all just waiting.  I looked over and saw one of the volunteers and it almost brought me to my knees.

He was a boy - maybe 16 years old - and he definitely had some sort of disability.  It was like God struck me with lightning.  I wanted to run to that boy and give him a hug and never let go.  My heart was filled with so much LOVE for him that I felt like I might burst.  I felt the tug at my heart that I'd felt so many times before when around special needs children and teens, but I'd never been able to place the feeling.  This was my moment; this was God telling me exactly why I've been going through infertility for all this time.

I loved that boy so much and I didn't even know him.  His sweet demeanor, the way he was smiling for no apparent reason, his gentleness.  I loved him SO MUCH.  And I realized that God was showing me what I needed to see all along.  I will love the child He gives me no matter what.  I will love them with all my heart and soul, and nothing will change that.  Nothing.  I would give my life for my child.  I will be their advocate, their caregiver, the one who loves them most, only behind our Lord.

I started crying so hard on the way home.  I prayed aloud, thanking God so much for giving me this single moment of clarity.  Thanking him for putting me through this journey, this struggle.  Just for that single moment, it was ALL worth it.  I would go through it a million times over to be able to feel what I felt while looking at that boy on Friday.

I'd never accepted before that my child might not be perfect.  In fact, I was always terrified of this.  Jesus does not put fear in our heart.  I know now that there is a purpose for me going through infertility.  It all came down to that moment.  I will love my child so much - no matter what - and seeing that boy and hearing God speak to me on Friday confirmed that.

Jesus will never forsake us.  He would never put something on our heart that He will not see through to completion.  I know I will be a mother one day.  I just know it in my heart.  I will love the child God gives me with all my heart and soul - just as He loves us.  I feel so at peace now.  Just an overwhelming since of calm.  Thank you, Jesus, for moments like this.  Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart.