waiting

So I had my 2nd IUI on June 14th and found out nearly two weeks later that it didn't work. Another big fat NEGATIVE.  RE said it was a "perfect cycle"...we just didn't get pregnant. I had at least 5 mature follies (probably more - RE even had conversation with me about multiples and high order pregnancy, but he allowed me to move forward anyway), 7.3 triple stripe lining, progesterone was 55 on cd20, sperm count was 13 mill, 98% motility.  I really thought in the back of my mind that it would work this time. I even thought it might be twins since I had so many mature follies. It was my first cycle on Clomid too.  I started testing 10dpiui and got bfn's every day. Devastated doesn't even describe how I felt.  I really had so much hope this round.

On cd11 of my cycle after the failed IUI, DH tells me that he does not wanting me taking any more pills, patches or shots and will not do an IUI this cycle. He said he wants to wait 6 months and then start trying again. He said he doesn't want me putting my body through all the medications/treatments right now and he wants me to stop talking & obsessing over it. I was supposed to go for cd12 scan the next day to start our 3rd IUI process and I even took clomid cd4-8. I felt totally broken and sad after that conversation. He thinks by not doing treatments etc that I will stop thinking about having babies all the time. There is such a huge disconnect between what he thinks and my reality :( 

I still went for my cd12 scan and I told the RE we would not be doing an IUI this cycle.  My lining was thin of course (5mm) and I only had one mature follie around 15.  He said I should still give myself the trigger shot on Saturday and we should do TI. I called the other RE in town that I'd been thinking about seeing as soon as I left his office. They said he had an appointment available the very next day.  God works in mysterious and awesome ways.

I brought ALL of my paperwork, files and my personal notes from the last two years. He basically looked everything over and then asked what he could do for me.  I was a little taken back.  I think he probably treats patients that are coming from other RE's different than those that have never seen an RE before.  He was surprised that my current RE had me on so much estrogen and also said that obviously the Clomid and Femara were not working for me. He said his suggestion would be injectables cd3-7 (or so) and IUI.  I would be monitored often to avoid over stimulation.  His office is alot smaller and not as nice as my other RE, and he shares it with like 4 other doctors who are not fertility docs.  It's only him and 2 nurses, but I have to say that he has a really good reputation.  I know alot of people that have seen him and everyone sings his praises.  So I'm going to give the new RE a go.  What do I have to lose (besides money)?

Today is cd20 and I'm just ready for this wasted cycle to be over so I can start my injectable/IUI cycle.  I will say it's been so nice not having to worry about shots, patches, pills, etc these last few weeks.  I've actually been able to not think about ttc for a second and it's been good.  I've also been able to enjoy a few adult beverages without having to worry which puts my mind at ease!

So I'm still trudging along.  One day at a time.  And I'm praying so hard that this year is it.  I know God has a plan, and I trust in Him.  I know He wouldn't put something on my heart unless it was meant to be there, and I know He fulfills His promises.

I'm waiting, and hoping.  I have faith.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
 -Romans 8:24-25