faith

So here I am. 

It’s almost Thanksgiving. 

1 year since my surgery that was supposed to fix everything.  8 months since my first IUI.  16 months since my first visit to the RE. 

I just feel like this road, this path that I’m on, is never-ending sometimes.  When will it end?

I applied for a grant through a non-profit organization that helps fund IVF for those that can’t afford it.  We find out next week, right before Thanksgiving, who the grant recipients are.  It’s like my hail mary – our last resort until we have no other options except to wait.  Wait until we have the money saved – which I really don’t know when that will ever be.

It’s exhausting trying to stay optimistic.  It’s exhausting trying to not talk about it to my husband.  He thinks I “obsess over it”.  I really don’t feel like I talk about it that much anymore.  Of course I think about it every single day, multiple times per day.  I dream about what it would be like to get pregnant on our own.

I’m just clinging to God’s promises as best I can.  I am not perfect.  I have days when I really doubt His plan for us.  I have moments when I cry and wonder why me.  I often feel depressed and anxious.  But deep down, I know His promise is far greater than any pain I’m going through right now.  I know that there is PURPOSE in my pain.  And I have to keep reminding myself that every day.  He is near when I am at my lowest.  Jesus is here when I’m at my best.  He is always HERE, in this place.  So I’m just holding tight to that Hope that one day I will be a mother.  God is preparing my heart for something huge.

The thing I struggle with most is not knowing what the outcome will be.   And I know that’s what FAITH is – that’s the whole idea. 

To believe in something that you can’t see or touch or feel. 

He replied, “Because you have so little faith.  Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.” –Matthew 17:20