recovering.

It’s been four days since my surgery.  I was extremely anxious when they wheeled me into the operating room, and I started hysterically crying when they tried to put the IV in.  For some reason it hurt so bad and I just couldn’t take it.  I think I was also so nervous about the whole thing and that didn’t help.  They had to call another nurse in to numb my arm so they could put the needle in.  After that everything went well; I woke up a little nauseous and itching my face (they gave me Benadryl for this because I was really starting to scratch my face).  My sweet husband and mom were there through the whole surgery.  I ended up staying at the hospital until 4pm because I felt really sick.  We finally went home and I stayed in bed the rest of the weekend.  My husband was such an angel through the whole thing.  I really cannot say enough how thankful I am for him and how much I love him.  It’s overwhelming.

The RE said my septum was actually smaller than he had anticipated it would be.  They also found stage 1 endometriosis – this shocked me as we had never discussed the possibility of me having endo as they did not find it in my previous lap 3.5 years ago.  He also drained the cyst near my ovary.  We can start ttc again in January (after I finish provera).  I went for my follow-up appointment yesterday so he could remove the balloon that was keeping my uterus from collapsing in on itself (scary right?) and it was SO painful.  I actually screamed when he took it out.

I spent the whole weekend trying to manage my pain and sleep, and I realized yesterday that I had not thanked God one time for getting me through everything.  And I felt so ashamed.  But the amazing thing (that is still hard for me to comprehend sometimes) is that He still loves me even when I neglect Him.  He forgives me when I make mistakes.  He is the only reason I am alive and well.  I love Him so much!

So now, very reminiscent of my previous post, I will wait and see what God has in store for me.  And I will continue to praise Him through this storm.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."  1 Samuel 1:27

wait.

All I want is to be a mother.  I want it so bad.  I would give up everything to have a child of my own.  I have this uncontrollable longing, this aching, to be a mother, and I’ve felt this way for almost two years now. 

I’ve learned that sometimes God tells us to “wait my child, wait; your time will come.”  And if He says wait, I will wait. 

I was at a client’s home this past weekend for a newborn session, and the sweet little baby just would not go to sleep.  She was wide awake for nearly the entire three hours I was there.  I spent most of my time calming the mother and soothing the baby, waiting for her to fall asleep.  All it takes is five seconds for the perfect shot.  I patiently cuddled, swaddled and hummed to her until she fell asleep, and even then her eyes were closed just long enough for me to snap a couple shots.  She used the bathroom all over herself and the props, there were way too many people in the room, and by the end of the session the poor mom was completely worn out and so relieved we got some good shots and it was over.  When I was packing up everything to leave, she told me this: “You are going to be a great mother.  You are so patient.”

He says wait, and I will wait. 

I started crying a little in the car on the way home, because His plan is so divine and perfect.  He was clearly telling me through my client everything I needed to hear.  Just when I needed so badly for Him to speak to me, He does.  God never fails me.

So I will try my best to continue waiting.  I will try my best to have patience, and know God has a plan for me and my little one.

If You say go, we will go.

If You say wait, we will wait.

If You say “step out on the water”,

and they say it can’t be done,

we’ll fix our eyes on You

and we will come.

He is faithful.

Where to begin? 

I'll start here: Jesus Christ is my ROCK, my KING, the LOVE of my life.  I am NOTHING without Him.  He's brought beauty from the ashes again and again in my life, and He forgives me over and over and over again.  I am disobedient, unworthy....but He loves me anyway.  He gives me life, He gives me hope!  Over the last 6 weeks or so, God has been making moves in my life.  He has shown Himself to me so many times in so many different ways.  He clearly spoke to me through Katie Davis and Amazima Ministries.  I've never understood His will for me more clearly than the last few weeks.

I've always had a heart for the homeless and children.  God opened me eyes through Katie's ministry in Africa to see what He is really shaping my heart for:  orphans in Africa.  I am currently working with a local charity to go on a mission trip to Africa in 2013.  I cry often reading about the heartache and pain these poor children go through on a daily basis.  He made me for so much more than to live in my comfortable bubble and not feel or help the "least of these" (as it says in the bible).  I want to make disciples through love.  Loving these children and their families.  He is calling me to go.

Here's the next piece to the puzzle: I am infertile.

It stings typing those words out.  It's the worst type of pain that is almost hard to describe.  The only way I get through it is to place my burden on His shoulders -- He will carry it for me.

We've been "not trying but not preventing" for nearly 2 years.  I finally went to a fertility specialist in July 2012 after a recommendation from my obgyn.  I have a uterine septum (the main issue) and also a luteal phase defect.  We decided to try 3 cycles on Femara and then move forward with septum surgery if needed.  I'm currently on cd23 of my 3rd round of Femara.  I have septum resection surgery scheduled in 2 weeks.  And I'm scared. 

I'm trying so hard to listen to God and understand and follow His will.  What does He want me to do?  Should I have the surgery?  Should we wait?  Am I supposed to wait to have children?  I know He's been trying to speak to me and I really haven't been listening.  My wants are so loud that I am pushing what He wants for me to the back.  But He doesn't give up on me.  Just like a mother with a stubborn child, He never gives up.  He never stops loving me.

I am 100% certain that God wants me to adopt from Africa one day.  I just don't know when.  I feel like I am about to cry writing this out, because I want so badly to have a child on my own, but I know that He wants me to adopt, too.  I'm just praying, praying, praying that His will be done and that I have FAITH.

I recently claimed several bible verses to help me get through this storm, one of my favorites is from Samuel:

So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son.  She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the Lord for him."  -Samuel 1:1

All I know is this:  He is faithful.  And that is all I need.