He is faithful.

Where to begin? 

I'll start here: Jesus Christ is my ROCK, my KING, the LOVE of my life.  I am NOTHING without Him.  He's brought beauty from the ashes again and again in my life, and He forgives me over and over and over again.  I am disobedient, unworthy....but He loves me anyway.  He gives me life, He gives me hope!  Over the last 6 weeks or so, God has been making moves in my life.  He has shown Himself to me so many times in so many different ways.  He clearly spoke to me through Katie Davis and Amazima Ministries.  I've never understood His will for me more clearly than the last few weeks.

I've always had a heart for the homeless and children.  God opened me eyes through Katie's ministry in Africa to see what He is really shaping my heart for:  orphans in Africa.  I am currently working with a local charity to go on a mission trip to Africa in 2013.  I cry often reading about the heartache and pain these poor children go through on a daily basis.  He made me for so much more than to live in my comfortable bubble and not feel or help the "least of these" (as it says in the bible).  I want to make disciples through love.  Loving these children and their families.  He is calling me to go.

Here's the next piece to the puzzle: I am infertile.

It stings typing those words out.  It's the worst type of pain that is almost hard to describe.  The only way I get through it is to place my burden on His shoulders -- He will carry it for me.

We've been "not trying but not preventing" for nearly 2 years.  I finally went to a fertility specialist in July 2012 after a recommendation from my obgyn.  I have a uterine septum (the main issue) and also a luteal phase defect.  We decided to try 3 cycles on Femara and then move forward with septum surgery if needed.  I'm currently on cd23 of my 3rd round of Femara.  I have septum resection surgery scheduled in 2 weeks.  And I'm scared. 

I'm trying so hard to listen to God and understand and follow His will.  What does He want me to do?  Should I have the surgery?  Should we wait?  Am I supposed to wait to have children?  I know He's been trying to speak to me and I really haven't been listening.  My wants are so loud that I am pushing what He wants for me to the back.  But He doesn't give up on me.  Just like a mother with a stubborn child, He never gives up.  He never stops loving me.

I am 100% certain that God wants me to adopt from Africa one day.  I just don't know when.  I feel like I am about to cry writing this out, because I want so badly to have a child on my own, but I know that He wants me to adopt, too.  I'm just praying, praying, praying that His will be done and that I have FAITH.

I recently claimed several bible verses to help me get through this storm, one of my favorites is from Samuel:

So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son.  She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the Lord for him."  -Samuel 1:1

All I know is this:  He is faithful.  And that is all I need.