carry me

"You are on the cusp of some major life changes...." quoth my acupuncturist today.  And she's right.

Have I mentioned that we decided to move forward with IVF in February?  I start bcp in mid-January, and most likely start stims around February 7th, with retrieval/transfer toward the end of the month.

We did not get the grant.  I was devastated. So DH and I sat down and discussed it at length (I cried through most of the conversation...it's just so overwhelming), and we figured out the financials as best we can and picked a firm date. We are going to have to get a loan, which DH is totally not okay with, but it's the only way.  No other option.  DH also graduates from his Master's program in February, and I'm switching jobs in February.  I guess you could say it's a big month for us.  And I'm overwhelmed. I'm excited, scared to death, anxious and just plain overwhelmed.

How do you cope with something like this?  How did it come to this?  I'm still struggling with the acceptance part.  I can't believe we're going through this at such a young age (27).

Can I ask for your prayers?  Pray that I find peace in the next few weeks. Pray that this works.  Pray that I cling to God more than I ever have.

So we're taking the leap. A big, huge leap of FAITH.  Carry us, Lord.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." -Philippians 1:6

faith

So here I am. 

It’s almost Thanksgiving. 

1 year since my surgery that was supposed to fix everything.  8 months since my first IUI.  16 months since my first visit to the RE. 

I just feel like this road, this path that I’m on, is never-ending sometimes.  When will it end?

I applied for a grant through a non-profit organization that helps fund IVF for those that can’t afford it.  We find out next week, right before Thanksgiving, who the grant recipients are.  It’s like my hail mary – our last resort until we have no other options except to wait.  Wait until we have the money saved – which I really don’t know when that will ever be.

It’s exhausting trying to stay optimistic.  It’s exhausting trying to not talk about it to my husband.  He thinks I “obsess over it”.  I really don’t feel like I talk about it that much anymore.  Of course I think about it every single day, multiple times per day.  I dream about what it would be like to get pregnant on our own.

I’m just clinging to God’s promises as best I can.  I am not perfect.  I have days when I really doubt His plan for us.  I have moments when I cry and wonder why me.  I often feel depressed and anxious.  But deep down, I know His promise is far greater than any pain I’m going through right now.  I know that there is PURPOSE in my pain.  And I have to keep reminding myself that every day.  He is near when I am at my lowest.  Jesus is here when I’m at my best.  He is always HERE, in this place.  So I’m just holding tight to that Hope that one day I will be a mother.  God is preparing my heart for something huge.

The thing I struggle with most is not knowing what the outcome will be.   And I know that’s what FAITH is – that’s the whole idea. 

To believe in something that you can’t see or touch or feel. 

He replied, “Because you have so little faith.  Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.” –Matthew 17:20

happy

I am feeling so much better than I was when I wrote my last post.  A lot has happened in the last week and I am feeling like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I feel positive, excited and hopeful.

Dh went with me to my RE appt last Tuesday.  Dh and I had been to talking back and forth about doing IVF internationally because it is so much cheaper.  The pro was that we’d save a lot of money, and the con was that I’d miss at least 3 weeks of work.  But I just didn’t have a peace about it.  I had the appt with my RE scheduled for a few weeks, so even as we were moving more and more towards international IVF, we still went to talk with the RE to see what he had to say after my 4^th failed IUI.

He said, of course, that he highly recommends IVF for us and that we’re great candidates.  His success rate with someone my age is around 50% (the international clinic was only a 30% success rate).  IVF costs $11,000 (we thought it was $12,000) and we pay for the meds a few weeks before the cycle starts, and pay the rest ($8,500) closer to the time of retrieval.  Dh and I both asked a lot of questions.  RE said that I was technically not considered “unexplained” since I’ve never had regular, 28 day cycles (even though I always ovulate).  I told him if we went through IVF – all the money, time off, emotional commitment – and then it didn’t work that I would be absolutely devastated.  He said again that he feels like we are really good candidates but still the odds of it working are 50%.  When we left the appt Dh said he felt we should do IVF at his clinic, even it costs more.  He said the expenses with the trip and time off work were not worth it, and he likes the local RE.  I felt so relieved. 

Then, this is the best part – this is really how I saw God working through all of this:  I am part of a private facebook group with about 50 women who are going through infertility from all over the country.  I posted that we decided to stay here for IVF and that it would be a struggle to save the money for IVF before January.  Another girl in the group that just went through IVF and got her bfp posted that she had a TON of left over meds and would love to send them to me!!!  She has the exact stims I need and most are unopened and don’t expire until 2015.  This will save us $2,800!  Which means we would only have to come up with $8,500 for IVF!!!!!  I was so overwhelmed by how much I felt God through all of this – I told my husband that His mercies are new everyday – just like it says in the Bible.  He truly is faithful!

So right now (as we know plans could always change) we are planning to go through IVF this January at our local clinic.  The nurse said to call the first of November to start planning everything and to start bcp.  Any advice that y’all can give about going through IVF would be much appreciated!  Thank YOU LORD!!!!

broken

I just feel like I could throw-up.  I feel so overwhelmed and sad.  I am depressed, anxious and exhausted.  Our 4^th and final IUI did not work.  We agreed that we would not waste money on another IUI if this fourth one didn’t work, because obviously it was not going to happen if it didn’t happen in four tries.  IVF costs upward of $12,000 (all out of pocket).  I cried and cried and cried when I found out that this would be our only option.  Why us?  Why is this happening when everyone around us is having babies so easily?  Why the heartache?  I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan.  It is ALL in His timing.  It is just so hard and heartbreaking.  But I know He didn’t promise that the journey would be easy.  In fact, He told us it would be hard.  I just wish I was stronger.  But I am so grateful that He is strong enough for ALL of us.  He will carry me when I can no longer walk.  Help me, Lord.  I need You.

3rd IUI

We moved forward with an injectable/IUI cycle with the new RE. The shots were not bad…at this point I’ll do just about anything. The cycle started with day3 bloodwork and then I was pretty much in his office at least once a week. Everything looked great at every scan. I had 2 good sized follies (21 & 16 before trigger), DH sperm count was 126 million with 95% motility. My lining was 7mm too! I always have thin lining issues so I was super pleased to hear it was progressing as it should! The actual procedure was a breeze. DH did his sample at home for the first time and it was the best numbers he’s had! I guess we should have been doing it from home the whole time. CD 21 progesterone was 19.89 – we were rocking & rolling. Fast forward to 10dpiui, 12 days past trigger – I tested that morning and got a faint bfp. I was shocked. I tested again the next day and there was still a line but it was way lighter than the day before. By Tuesday (13dpiui) there was almost no line at all. Throughout this whole cycle DH has been the most supportive he’s ever been. He kept referring to it as “our baby” and kept telling me he knew it worked and that I was pregnant. We even talked about how perfect it would be that the baby would be born in May. We both prayed really hard this time that this would be it. That we could be done with the heartache and pain, and that I would finally be pregnant with our baby. DH really, really thought this was it. I mean he had no doubts. I went in this morning for my beta and I was so anxious. I got the call around 1:30pm. It didn’t work – beta was negative. I was devastated, but I was even more upset that I had to break the news to DH. He had already called several times this morning asking if I’d heard anything. He was so sure it would be positive. I texted him and told him the news. He just responded and said we would try again next month, but I know he is so upset. Why does this have to be so hard? The nurse said RE wants to do 1-2 more cycles of injectables/IUI before talking about IVF. So now I just call when I start my period and start all over. I know my prayers haven’t gone unanswered. I know God hears me when I ask these things in His name. I’m just waiting for His timing, and trying to be strong. I want to be a mother so bad.

grace

God really amazes me every. single. day.

I had a striking moment of clarity on Friday afternoon.  Everything I've been through the last two years with my infertility - the pain, the heartache, the disappointment - it all became so clear.

One of my deepest, darkest sins is this:  I've allowed myself to become scared and fearful of having a child with disabilities.  I've never spoken to God about it.  I've just let it sit in the back of mind and try not to think about it - what on earth would I do if my unborn child has autism, down syndrome, or some other disease?  How could I possibly live with that?  My husband would resent me for it. Maybe even leave.  I would be depressed and feel broken.  I know these thoughts are terrible, and they've been with me for a long time.  I've been too ashamed to ever admit it (even to God).

I was at a golf tournament on Friday afternoon with my husband.  I walked over to hole #1, and we were waiting for the hour to hit so the players could start.  No one was really talking and we were all just waiting.  I looked over and saw one of the volunteers and it almost brought me to my knees.

He was a boy - maybe 16 years old - and he definitely had some sort of disability.  It was like God struck me with lightning.  I wanted to run to that boy and give him a hug and never let go.  My heart was filled with so much LOVE for him that I felt like I might burst.  I felt the tug at my heart that I'd felt so many times before when around special needs children and teens, but I'd never been able to place the feeling.  This was my moment; this was God telling me exactly why I've been going through infertility for all this time.

I loved that boy so much and I didn't even know him.  His sweet demeanor, the way he was smiling for no apparent reason, his gentleness.  I loved him SO MUCH.  And I realized that God was showing me what I needed to see all along.  I will love the child He gives me no matter what.  I will love them with all my heart and soul, and nothing will change that.  Nothing.  I would give my life for my child.  I will be their advocate, their caregiver, the one who loves them most, only behind our Lord.

I started crying so hard on the way home.  I prayed aloud, thanking God so much for giving me this single moment of clarity.  Thanking him for putting me through this journey, this struggle.  Just for that single moment, it was ALL worth it.  I would go through it a million times over to be able to feel what I felt while looking at that boy on Friday.

I'd never accepted before that my child might not be perfect.  In fact, I was always terrified of this.  Jesus does not put fear in our heart.  I know now that there is a purpose for me going through infertility.  It all came down to that moment.  I will love my child so much - no matter what - and seeing that boy and hearing God speak to me on Friday confirmed that.

Jesus will never forsake us.  He would never put something on our heart that He will not see through to completion.  I know I will be a mother one day.  I just know it in my heart.  I will love the child God gives me with all my heart and soul - just as He loves us.  I feel so at peace now.  Just an overwhelming since of calm.  Thank you, Jesus, for moments like this.  Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart.

waiting

So I had my 2nd IUI on June 14th and found out nearly two weeks later that it didn't work. Another big fat NEGATIVE.  RE said it was a "perfect cycle"...we just didn't get pregnant. I had at least 5 mature follies (probably more - RE even had conversation with me about multiples and high order pregnancy, but he allowed me to move forward anyway), 7.3 triple stripe lining, progesterone was 55 on cd20, sperm count was 13 mill, 98% motility.  I really thought in the back of my mind that it would work this time. I even thought it might be twins since I had so many mature follies. It was my first cycle on Clomid too.  I started testing 10dpiui and got bfn's every day. Devastated doesn't even describe how I felt.  I really had so much hope this round.

On cd11 of my cycle after the failed IUI, DH tells me that he does not wanting me taking any more pills, patches or shots and will not do an IUI this cycle. He said he wants to wait 6 months and then start trying again. He said he doesn't want me putting my body through all the medications/treatments right now and he wants me to stop talking & obsessing over it. I was supposed to go for cd12 scan the next day to start our 3rd IUI process and I even took clomid cd4-8. I felt totally broken and sad after that conversation. He thinks by not doing treatments etc that I will stop thinking about having babies all the time. There is such a huge disconnect between what he thinks and my reality :( 

I still went for my cd12 scan and I told the RE we would not be doing an IUI this cycle.  My lining was thin of course (5mm) and I only had one mature follie around 15.  He said I should still give myself the trigger shot on Saturday and we should do TI. I called the other RE in town that I'd been thinking about seeing as soon as I left his office. They said he had an appointment available the very next day.  God works in mysterious and awesome ways.

I brought ALL of my paperwork, files and my personal notes from the last two years. He basically looked everything over and then asked what he could do for me.  I was a little taken back.  I think he probably treats patients that are coming from other RE's different than those that have never seen an RE before.  He was surprised that my current RE had me on so much estrogen and also said that obviously the Clomid and Femara were not working for me. He said his suggestion would be injectables cd3-7 (or so) and IUI.  I would be monitored often to avoid over stimulation.  His office is alot smaller and not as nice as my other RE, and he shares it with like 4 other doctors who are not fertility docs.  It's only him and 2 nurses, but I have to say that he has a really good reputation.  I know alot of people that have seen him and everyone sings his praises.  So I'm going to give the new RE a go.  What do I have to lose (besides money)?

Today is cd20 and I'm just ready for this wasted cycle to be over so I can start my injectable/IUI cycle.  I will say it's been so nice not having to worry about shots, patches, pills, etc these last few weeks.  I've actually been able to not think about ttc for a second and it's been good.  I've also been able to enjoy a few adult beverages without having to worry which puts my mind at ease!

So I'm still trudging along.  One day at a time.  And I'm praying so hard that this year is it.  I know God has a plan, and I trust in Him.  I know He wouldn't put something on my heart unless it was meant to be there, and I know He fulfills His promises.

I'm waiting, and hoping.  I have faith.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
 -Romans 8:24-25

my ttc timeline

August 2012: 

·         2.5mg Femara cd3-7

·         Progesterone 5 on cd20

·         BFN

September/October 2012:

·         5mg Femara cd3-7

·         CD12- Pos OPK, 22mm & 19mm follies

·         1cm septum, cyst, 6.5 endo lining

·         Progesterone 13.75

·         BFN

November 2012:

·         Surgery cd12

·         Removed septum, stage 1 endo, drained cyst

December 2012:

·         Break

January 2013:

·         Provera to start cycle

·         Femara cd3-7

·         Progesterone 11.42

·         BFN

February 2013:

·         No meds

·         Positive OPK cd14

·         BFN

March 2013:

·         Femara 5mg cd3-7

·         Cd12 scan – 20mm, 20mm, 16mm follies; 7 endo lining

·         Trigger cd12

·         IUI cd14 (SA 48 million, 92% motility)

·         Vdot patch/progesterone supps

·         Cd 20 progesterone 18.98

·         BFN

April 2013:

·         Femara 5mg cd3-7

·         BFN

May 2013:

·         Femara 5mg cd3-7

·         Cd12 scan – no measurable follies, 7.7 endo lining

·         Cancelled IUI

·         Positive OPK cd14

·         AF one week late

·         BFN

June 2013:

·         Clomid 50mg cd5-9; vdot patch

·         Cd12 scan – 18, 17, 16, 15, 13, 13 follies; 3 endo lining

·         Estradiol injection cd12

updates

So my IUI in May was cancelled.  I went in for cd12 ultrasound and RE saw “no measurable follicles”.  I continued testing with OPKs at home, and got a positive OPK on cd14.  Hope?  We continued to bd, and I got a super, super faint positive hpt on cd26.  Went in for blood test and it was negative.  AF ended up being one week late and my cycle was 34 days (usual cycles for me are 25-27 days).  So the whole time I was in Africa I kept thinking “this could be it”…but it wasn’t.

RE said the Femara has run its course and after 6 failed cycles it is time to move to Clomid.  I told him I was VERY concerned about switching to Clomid because of my history of cysts and thin uterine lining.  He said it was a risk we had to take.  I started Clomid 50mg cd 5-9, and also started vdot patch early in my cycle.  I also started taking mucinex because I read Clomid can really dry you up and thicken cervical mucus.  I went in today (cd12) for my ultrasound and I had 6 follicles (!!!) 18, 17, 16, 15, 13, 13.  BUT, there was a major problem.  Just like I feared, my lining was only 3.08.  I was devastated and told my RE this was my concern from Clomid and now it actually happened.  He had the nurse give me an estradiol injection (another $120 for that) and he said to continue using the vdot patch.  I will go back on cd 14 for another ultrasound, and most likely trigger that night if my lining looks good, and then IUI on cd16.  He said my follicles were getting close to maturing, so I need to monitor with OPKs at home and let them know immediately if I get a positive. I go in for acupuncture tomorrow, so hopefully that will help my lining too.

I just feel like it’s always something.  I feel upset, sad and defeated.  I know there is still a chance this cycle, but it just feels so slim.  I’m seriously considering switching to another RE, because I’ve been with this one a year in July.  One year and no bfp.  I thought the surgery was the answer to my infertility, and he assured us it would happen after that.  We are now 7 months after my surgery and I’m still not pregnant.  This is just so hard.

Please, Lord, let this work.  I’m totally surrendering to you and crying out your name, Father.  Please, please, please give us a baby. I'm on my knees, Lord, and I trust Your will.

hope.

A lot of updating to do since my last post. Here goes.

Dh agreed that we could try an IUI cycle. If it didn't work, we agreed to wait 6 months to try another IUI.

On Monday, 3/18/13, I went in for cd12 scan. I had two 20mm follies and a 16mm follie. Lining was 6.5.  I triggered that night with hcg and RE also put me on vdot patch to thicken my lining. On Wednesday, 3/20, dh gave sample and then I went in at 9am for IUI. His numbers were through the roof: 60 million 98% motility (and he was sick...he calls himself a mastiff). I was super anxious and tense during the procedure and she had a lot of trouble getting the speculum past my cervix. That afternoon and the next day I had the WORST cramps I have ever had in my life. I almost couldn't stand up. RE also put me on prog supps because of my history of low prog. Went for cd21 check and prog was 19.

I tested 7dpiui and got faint positive. I KNEW it was the trigger, but it still made my heart flutter because I'd never seen a bfp test before. That was my first time to ever see a second line.

I continued testing and long story short, I got a bfn every day. I was devastated. I still went in for a beta on April 2nd, and of course it was negative. My poor dh seemed so confused and shocked that it didn't work. I don't think he ever connected to my infertility struggle before this. Now he gets it :(

So I took this cycle off because my body and my mind just needed a break. My sweet dh told me he wanted to try another IUI whenever I was ready. I love him so much.

Dh also went with me to my RE appt for the first time ever last week. I really loved having him there to support and ask questions. Basically RE said that there is no "reason" the IUI didn't work. He said he thinks it is just a matter of time. He strongly recommended I do genetic & fsh level testing, so I'm doing both of those this next cycle. He recommends doing a minimum of 3 IUIs and up to 6 for someone my age. I don't know if I can handle 6 IUIs.

I'm going to Africa on a mission trip at the end of May, so if I start AF in the next few days we can do an IUI cycle and it won't interfere with my trip.

I'm hopeful. And I'm really trying to hand this over to God and lay my burden at His feet....because it's all in His plan anyway. And He is faithful.

what's next.

I had an appointment with my RE two days ago. He basically said these things take time and there could be a million different reasons why it didn't work last cycle. He said I could move on to IUI, IUI with shots/injectables, or just a medicated cycle, or monitored/trigger shot cycle. DH really would prefer if we got pregnant on our own but ultimately it's up to me. I just don't think I'm ready for IUI yet. I feel like once I go down that path there is no going back and it will just get harder & more stressful. The RE keeps telling me that the good thing is I'm still young...but in reality age has nothing to do with it when you're dealing with infertility. It hurts no matter how old you are :(

My progesterone was fairly low last cycle and my lining was on the thin side, so wondering if I should just do Femara and some sort of progesterone/estrogen supplement. But RE does not seem concerned about either one of those things.

It's hard to remember a time before ttc when you've been at it so long. I just have to have faith that God will carry me through this storm.

broken

AF showed yesterday and I had a total breakdown. Throughout the entire 2 years of ttc I've never cried, but yesterday I was hysterical. My poor dh could not calm me down; I just cried and cried and cried. I was so hopeful this cycle after the surgery back in November... and this was the first time we could try since then and RE told me beforehand that he was "extremely optimistic". I just feel so broken. I'm a little better today. I'm going out of town for work during cd11-13 this cycle so now we can't try again until march 14th. RE wants us to do IUI for the first time next cycle and I just honestly never thought it would get to this point.

All I can do is pray.